


The Great Crew Suck-Up

by Dragonsister899



Series: Pray for the Wicked [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Fake AH Crew, Female Jack Pattillo, Gen, Prostitution, dumb jokes, gratuitous cameos, no actual smut, past allusions to prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 21:53:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15105608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonsister899/pseuds/Dragonsister899
Summary: “The real question here,” Geoff began, “is who gives better head? Trevor the former prostitute, or Gavin, the natural born cocksucker?”





	The Great Crew Suck-Up

**Author's Note:**

> We all know what inspired this.

The Fake AH Crew sat around a booth at their favorite bar, _Always Open_ , in southern Los Santos. Unwinding after a day of heist prep, the crew sat comfortably, enjoying their various drinks. Trevor, Lindsay, Gavin, and Jack sat on one side, looking at an open laptop, working on some technical junk Geoff didn’t have to worry about anymore. Michael, Jeremy, Ryan, and Geoff sat on the other side of the booth. Alfredo had gone over to the bar for refills and was chatting up the barkeep at the moment. The crew was shooting the breeze, talking about nothing in particular, when Geoff cut in with one of his classic anecdotes.

 “The real question here,” Geoff began, “is who gives better head? Trevor the former prostitute, or Gavin, the natural born cocksucker?”

A moment of deafening silence flooded the table. No one looked at either of the two men in question.

“… _Geoffrey_.” Said Jack, with feeling.

The rest of the bar continued about their business, unaware of the tension building at this corner booth.

“It’s a serious question!” Geoff said defensively. “I’m just thinking scientifically-“

“You’re not thinking at all, is the problem.” Ryan cut in, “It’s a sensitive topic.”

“When has that ever stopped me.” Geoff scoffed. The crew collectively sighed. Jack held her face in her hands without another word. Michael’s quiet _‘Yikes’_ prompted Lindsay and Jeremy to giggle despite the uncomfortable atmosphere.

After another awkward moment, Trevor spoke up, “Well, how are we judging this?”

“Trevor, you don’t have to humor him,” Jack tried to mediate, “Just ignore him when he gets like this.”

“Hey!”

“You shut up Geoffrey.”

“Oh, Geoffrey-ed twice now, you’re in troubblleeee.” Taunted Lindsay.

Trevor ran his hand through his hair, “No, I’m curious now. What’s the criteria? How are blowjobs quantifiable? Are Gav and I gonna have to have some sort of suck-off competition?  Who’ll be the judge? These are real questions guys.”

“Trevor the science guy,” Jeremy piped up.

“He’s right,” said Ryan sagely, “There’s a lot of technique that goes into a good blowjob.”

“Yeah, you would know,” Geoff said, having not learned his lesson on tact.

“Shut up Geoff, you lost your speaking privileges. Let a man be proud of his art.”

“Trevor’s raises a good point, though,” said Michael. “How would you go about finding who gives better head without getting a blowie from both of them and therefore getting a trip to HR.”

“You should be getting a talking-to from HR right now,” said Jack, gesturing to Lindsay, who cracked her knuckles and grinned. 

Trevor waved Lindsay down, “It’s fine, I mean it’s hardly the worst question I’ve gotten from you animals.”

Michael laughed and Ryan hid a grin behind his hand, as they both saw where Trevor was going with this. Jeremy caught on as well, “Yeah, we all remember when you and Gavin met.”

“Oi!” Gavin spoke up for the first time. He had been ignoring the conversation in favor of the laptop and had only recently tuned in.

“Gavin, you have no room to be offended here.” Said Jack, now laughing as well.

“What’re you guys talking about?” Asked Alfredo, only now approaching the table with a tray of fresh drinks in hand.

Before anyone could stop him, Geoff asked “Who do you think gives better head, Gavin or Trevor?”

Alfredo’s pleasant expression froze on his face as he tried to process this line of conversation. “Well,” he said, setting the tray on the table, “I don’t know who sucks better dick…”

“But that’s not a real opinion,” Geoff interrupted.

“Ok, whatever. Either way I know I eat the best ass.” Alfredo finished diplomatically.

The table roared with laughter after a beat of silence. Alfredo sat down at the end of the booth, grinning and waggling his eyebrows.

“You’re a gem, Fredo.” Jeremy said through his laughter, clapping the man on the back.

“I do what I do, man. I do what I do.”

“The question still stands though.” Continued Geoff.

“No it doesn’t, drop it Geoff.” Ryan cut in.

“What was the criteria for the ‘better’ blowjob?” Asked Alfredo, curling his fingers to mark the air-quotes.

Trevor gestured with his hand with raised eyebrows, “See, my brotha here is asking the real questions.”      

"I got you brotha."           

“Maybe a good baseline is sheer power," Lindsay pondered. "What is the maximum suckage you guys can achieve?” 

“I achieved maximum suckage in middle school, I think.” Said Michael.

“Well, a human can only generate about ten meters of suck.” Gavin said, not looking up from the laptop in front of him. He continued to look at the screen until the silence wore on too long again and he looked up at the incredulous looks of the crew around him. “What?”

“You can’t just say stuff like that and then act like it’s normal.” Said Jack.

“Well it’s true!”

“That doesn’t help anyone here, Gavin!” Yelled Michael. “What do you mean 10 meters of suck?”

“Yeah, what’s a meter?” Threw in Geoff, “We’re in America, use units of freedom!”

Gavin rolled his eyes and leaned back into the bench seat. “A person can only suck water 10 meters through a long straw before the pressure will boil the water. It’s science.”

“Ok, but that doesn’t translate to dick-sucking. Who here has a 10-meter-long dick though?” said Lindsay.

“Jack.” At least three people said immediately.

“Jack has the bearing of someone with a 10-meter-long dick.” Ryan clarified.

Jack nodded.

“So is Jack gonna have to judge the competition?” Geoff asked.

“Jack has everything that comes with a super mega dong except for the dong itself, so that’s a hard no.” Jeremy said. “God, use your brain once in a while, Geoff.”

“I know how to fix this,” Alfredo said before getting back up out of his chair and heading for the bar.

“This doesn’t bode well at all.” Said Ryan.

“Uh-huh, totally.” Michael said, already getting his phone camera ready.

Alfredo came back with a second tray holding some plastic cups and a metric fuck-ton of straws.

“Oh no,” said Trevor quietly.

“Oh _yes_ ” said Alfredo, placing the tray down with a clatter.

“You’re returning to the classics, Fredo” Jeremy said with a laugh

“Damn straight. So, we all know the science of suckage and how we can quantify this with straws right?”

“Uh, no??” said Jack, head barely leaving her hands.

“You have to put all the straws in your mouth and then drink an entire glass of water.” Gavin said as if it were obvious. “It dilutes the suckage across a greater volume and you lose a lot of the seal in the gaps in between the straws.”

“How do you know this?” asked Lindsay while helping Alfredo portion out two piles of straws.

"Yeah how do you sound so smart while being so dumb?" Added Michael.

“It’s _science_ , Lindsay." Gavin ignored Michael. "While you were all faffing about worrying over whose feelings were hurt, I was considering the problem at hand.”  
“You are a problem at hand.”

“You still don’t have speaking privileges, Geoffrey.” Jack said sternly.

Soon, about 40 straws were split between two cups of water. Lindsay and Alfredo proudly placed the cups in front of Trevor and Gavin, the later of which immediately put the straws in his water and gave his best shot. Only to be stopped by a great deal of choking.

“You’re an idiot,” Trevor hadn’t even touched his pile of straws, instead choosing to prop his elbow on the table and watch Gavin’s attempt.

“Don’t spit on the laptop, Gavin!” Michael reached across to table to pull the device out of the splash zone. “You know who spits on laptops?”

“Babies!” Everyone chimed in dutifully.

“It whooshed around my windpipe.” Gavin said feebly, making vaguely descriptive hand movements.

“You know, I’m not sure this translates into dick-sucking ability at all,” Jeremy said. “It seems like completely different actions.”

“How would you know that, Dooley? Hmmmm? Suspicious.” Geoff decided.

“Shut up and let the boys have their fun.” Lindsay threw in.

“This isn’t fun, this is harassment,” choked Gavin, who's voice had somehow aged 50 years.

“No, this is science,” Geoff said firmly. “Trevor, your turn.”

With a shrug, Trevor gathered the straws in his cup of water, fit his mouth around it, and in a moment, all the water disappeared from the cup. Trevor sat back in the seat.

“Well, we know why he’s popular at parties.” Ryan said after a moment.

“Good lord, Ryan.” Jack’s eyes disappeared into her hands once again.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So many dumb jokes. Let me know what you think.


End file.
